Celebrity News

You everyone. Sorry about the lack of blog posts lately but I lost the net. Long story. Anyway, I will have it back by next month and blogging will resume as usual. You can always find me online at these addresses...

Orlando Bloom hasn't been in many films lately. Basically because he is only useful in movies that take place during the dark ages where he screams with his faggy little English accent and orders horses to stampede castles. Either that or be a pirate. Anyway, now he is engaged to Miranda Kerr taking her officially off the market which makes my penis very sad. She will probably continue to get naked for cameras though and that is a good thing. About the only good thing to report in this story.

LIndsay Lohan apparently thinks she is the hottest fucking thing since the Pamela Anderson porno video and thinks for some odd reason that people wanna see her naked. Yes. I do. But just that ass of hers. That is because I am an ass man and after I see this chick's bare buns, I will probably forget she exists. Anyway, she can't get naked cause she is wearing a gigantic, gaudy SCRAM bracelet. It is being speculated that either they will photoshop the SCRAM bracelet out of the pics or just include them because LiLo has no dignity.

Some people are going to condemn me for posting this pic of Miley Cyrus flashing 80% of her vagina and probably call me a dirty old man but since this chick is 17 and can probably make decisions for herself, I am going to go ahead and post this pic without the worry that I will get arrested for child pornography. And what the fuck is up with all this slutty lingerie she is wearing at these award shows and concerts and what not?Does she think she is Lady GaGa? Cause she is not. Also, I am sick of everyone being compared to Lady GaGa. Am I like Lady GaGa. Is Christina Aguilera like Lady GaGa? Lady GaGa is starting to look more and more like Amy Winehouse so I am not sure why anyone would wanna look like that. Anyway, Miley is a slut and I love her for it.

Miley Cyrus got a new tattoo the other day and it wasn't a badass half sleeve that I would actually find attractive. Instead she got "love" tattooed in her fucking ear. Her fucking ear! WTF? It looks like shit but I guess she is trying to get the media to stop talking about her vajayjay. If this is her goal, then she has succeeded. Syick to earing Cyrus, it fits you best.

Damn. How the fuck does David Spade manage to land such hottys? Now he is being linked to Padma Lakshmi. What the fuck does david Spade have that I don't? Besides the millions of dollars and awesome sense of humor? I just don't get it.

I remember when Ugly Betty first came out and the paparazzi started following America Ferrera everywhere she went and bloggers were saying "Hey! Look! Ugly Betty is actually hot." Which is bullshit cause this chick is anything but hot. That is one of the reasons they cancelled the show. Anyway, now this chick is getting married to some fool who actually willingly wants to commit himself to that pussy for the rest of his life. I am willing to bet anything that this dude is going to be visiting a shit load of strip clubs for the remainder of his life.

It seems that regardless of the SCRAM bracelet Lindsay Lohan was wearing on the night of the MTV Movie Awards and it going off, she went into the probation department the day after and took a urine test that showed she did not have alcohol in her system. Also, she is in compliance with her alcohol education classes so she is more than likely going to get the SCRAM bracelet removed on July 6 which is when her next hearing is. Of course Lindsay doesn't need alcohol when she has a pill bottle full of awesome opiate based painkillers. I am just hoping they keep her on alcohol probation after the hearing. I seriously doubt they will make her wear a SCRAM bracelet during all that time but I just wanna see Lindsay slip up so she will go to jail. Bitch needs it but I also wanna laugh at her. I am selfish.

John Goodman has been out of sight in the world of celebrities for years now but then he was in an HBO film called You Don't Know Jack and since then he has been seen here and there at red carpet events. I never really liked him as an actor and I have no reason to like him in real life either. He lost a bunch of weight but is still morbidly obese and I guess he thinks he is like one of those fuckers on The Biggest Loser where soomeone loses 15 lbs. and everyone says " You look GREAT!" when actually they still look very much so fat. Now his goal is to lose 30 lbs. but it would be much more practical if he set a real goal like losing 50. Doubt that is gonna happen.

kate Gosselin got abreast enhancement in 2009 and before she went under the knife she asked her bodyguard what he thought about the procedure. I am sure he said "make em as big as possible" but I wasn't there so I am not sure what his response was. Anyway, my stance on Kate Gosselin, with or without bigger tits, stays the same and that position is, I would fuck her just so I could tell my friend I banged Kate Gosselin but I truely have no interest in this chick. When I see pics of her my penis does not move and inch which usually means she is unfuckable but because of her star power, whatever the fuck that is, I think I would enjoy intercourse with this MILF.

Somewhere in Maryland cops were called to a bar where people had reported that Justin Bieber was there getting drunk. I don't follower Bieber on Twitter but snce that dude is so popular on there, I got a lot of Retweets saying that he was in the Bahamas so when the story broke I knew it was bullshit. Some chick was at the bar getting drunk which just confimrs my belief that secretly, underneath Justin Bieber's pantss is not a flacid and unused penis but actually a vagina. Besides, this kid is too scared to drink and will probably not even drink after he turns 21 because he will be too scared of losing fans. Little bitch.

A few days ago Perez Hilton TwitPic'd a picture of Miley Cyrus getting out of her car without underwear on and you could see her vajayjay. After getting some negative comments he took the pic down but since he has like over 1,000,000 followers, everyone found out about it. Now people want Perez to go to the clink for promoting child pornography. Knowing the sluttiness of Miley Cyrus, she is nothing even close to resembling a child but she is underage nevertheless and pics of underage girls naughty parts is forbidden in the gossip world. Did Perez go to far? I think so. Sound off in the comments.

I have some news to report today and I am not sure if you would call it bad news or good news but Calista Flockhart is off the market. I usually get upset when b-list celebrities get married but when they have a problem with anorexia and only weight 85 lbs. , then I don't care so much. She married Harrison Ford which is a chity actor in my opinion but some fuckers think Calista and Harrison are fucking amazing so I will not rain on their parade.

Hey guys. Sorry about the lack of blog posts this week. I was without a computer and that is why there weren't any posts. Blogging will resume as usual tomorrow. Thanks for your patience.

Janine Lindemulder is Jesse Jame's ex-wife and is apparently all kinds of fucked up but she claims she is good to go and wants partial custody of the kid she had with Jesse James. Jesse's sister and bro-in-law filed papers with the court saying this bitch couldn't care for a kitten let alone a human child. In this scenario Jesse looks like the good guy so I guess it is good that he is getting some positive press. Dude needs it. I would be pretty bummed if I went from giving Sandra Bullock anal sex every night to fighting with some junkie stripper in the courts to maintain custody of the kids. You couldn't pay me to be Jesse James right now.

It must be hard to work for Britney Spears considering she is a complete trainwreck and Christina Aguilera and Lady GaGa are stealing all of her thunder. At least that is what is being claimed by her former body guard who is saying that she would strut around the house nakked and chew out her staff. This basically makes me wanna go into the body guard field and see if I can see some Britney tail. She can scream at people all she wants, nothing will make those nipples sit any higher on her chest.

It is being reported by RadarOnline.com that last night larry King's wife Shawn was found unresponsive in her Utah home from an apparent pill overdose. She was found by her dad and they obtained the tape of the dramatic 911 call. It is tragic when shit like this happens but let's face it, if you were married to Larry King you would try to kill yourself too.

Lindsay Lohan has been on Twitter all day trying to convince the public that her SCRAM bracelet, as reported by star magazine, didn't go off att Katy Perry's after party after the MTV Movie Awards the other night. Some designer fucktard even mentioned it was a "light up bracelet" on the same foot as the SCRAM and she retweeted it. Anyway, the judge gets info from thhe bracelet and it is saying that there was alcohol in Lindsay's system so they revoked the $100k bail and raised it to $200k and as long as she pays it, she can stay free. She doesn't even have another court date until July and for some reason people are thinking the judge is still being harsh on Lindsay. With people who have a history of alcoholism, the judge should have called an emergency hearing where Lindsay would have to show up or get thrown in jail. There is stilla possibility of Lindsay being thrown in the clink after her hearing but she still thinks this SCRAM bracelet is coming off next month. We will see but this bitch needs some serious rehab or jailtime if she is ever gonna get her life backk together. #TeamMichael!

After the MTV Movie Awards that Lindsay Lohan attended, she was at an after party hosted by Katy Perry when Lindsay's alcohol monitoring SCRAM bracelet started to go off. She Tweeted something about it and made it seem like it was no big deal but even if it was a technical issue with the bracelet and she wasn't drinking booze, she has no real way of proving that in court and she may just go to the clink after all. I am surprised she has gone this long w/o alcohol but she got some killer pain meds after getting her wisdom teeth pulled so she is good on the whole "getting high" thing. Hopefully she will earn from this experience and stop being such a fucking train wreck but that is hoping for a lot.

A video surfaced today of Jon Gosselin with his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman on a patio in St.Tropez, France where they are bad mouthing the French and possibly stoned. According to RadarOnline.com they had been smoking spliffs the entire weekend and were "out of their minds". This is probably the most boring video I have ever seen and the only thing that makes it watchable is the quick shot of Hailey Glassman's cleavage. This is basically just a way for Hailey to cling on to her 15 minutes of fame and since Radar will post just about any bullshit a d-lister hands them, she got an extension on her time. Anyway, Jon and Kate Plus 8 is not coming back so I truely don't give a fuck what happens to this guy anymore.

It is being reported todaay that Charlie Sheen might be in trouble from some bitch who is overlooking his work release. He is eligible to go out and work between 10 am and 4 pm but the chick overseeing it is pissed cause Charlie has been smoking cigarettes and drinking soda. This bitch thinks she is God and now it is being speculated that the sheriff who signed off on the work release will put this bitch in her place. I love cigarettes and soda and would never do anything to compromise those perks in life. I guess I wwould have to sacrafice stuff like that if I get drunk and beat my wife on Christmas Day.

Danielle Staub is a star on one of Bravo's bullshit reality tv shows called The Real Housewives Of New Jersey. I do not watch the show so I am not sure what her story is but she is like 70 years old and I saw some random pics of her on the internet and she isn't very good looking. Anyway, Hustler got ahold of a 75 minute sex tape starring her and another man and it will be available for purchase on June 14. The only real surprising thing about this sex tape that sets it aside from all the other "celebrity" sex tapes out there is that it is being distributed by Hustler and not Vivid entertainment. I do not know if you would consider this chick a celebrity but she is a definite d-lister and I love d-listers so when this tape leaks I will probably watch it but I won't burn your eyes by posting it here. You're welcome.

Tila Tequila will do anything,ANYTHING, for attention and proved just as much on her site the other day where she slit her own wrist and videotaped the blood, or fake blood, or whateverthefuck coming out. This lead to readers of the site calling police and then when the cops got to her house, they couldn't find her. Don't worry, Tila is still alive and well,well... alive and is back to doing her stupid attention whoring Twitter shit as usual. Bitch ditched MySpace and now is on Twitter all the time. I am proud to say that she blocked me a long time ago and even though she has a new account now, bitch will flood your news feed so I decided to leave her alone. We will be seeing her on Celebrity Rehab 4 but until then, I really don't wanna hear from this chick again. Out...

Crystal Bowersox is some chick who was a runner up on American Idol this past season and I did not watch a single episode. Aside from Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson, the talent from the show fall faster into obscurity after the show than...well... an American Idol contestant. She is kinda cute and I would definitely fuck her cause I am desperate like that. But now the National Enquirer is saying that she had several lesbian relationships before her time on Idol. She looks like she could be a carpet muncher but since this story is coming from The National Enquirer I am taking it with a gigantic Texas sized grain of salt. Not that it really matters. This chick will be a nobody in 3...2...

Ok I reported on here last week that Speidi are officially dunzo and for real thiis time only now all the chicks from The Hills and a few other sources are saying that they are still together. They basically did the whole thing as a publicity stunt like Heidi needs anymore than that after she announced she will show her gigantic Dolly Parton sized tits in Playboy. I have no desire to fuck Heidi Montag before or after surgery cause I have a feeling that she would talk endlessly while I was humping her and also cause if I fucked her, I bet any amount of money that if I turned around I would find Spencer Pratt in my ass.

Last night was the MTV movie awards and since MTV sucks at making movies besides Napoleon Dynamite and Jailbait, I didn't watch. The only awards show thaat I watch is the VMAs and since they announced a few months back that MTV would no longer be showing music videos and that they will be a reality tv channel, I guess that means no more VMAs. I could give a flying fuck less that Kristen Stewart is kissing Robert Pattinson cause he is the only guy that will put up with her constant pot smoking and lack of bathing. I am sure he is the same way but we just don't have the pictures to prove it.

News surfaced today claiming that there were some gruesome photos of Gary Coleman after his nasty fatal fall. I am not sure what type of person had the whereabouts to grab a camera and take pics instead of calling 911 but apparently his wife does. She is the one selling the photos for money and will probably get sued for doing so. I am sure the pics are somewhere on the internet but I am too lazy to go find them and post them here not to mention that I wouldn't do that in the first place. Hopefully this psycho goes to jail and be branded for the rest of her days as "gory badge".

Lindsay Lohan is one smart cookie. She knew that she would have to get sober in the near future so she booked an appointment with her dentist to get her wisdom teeth pulled and therefore, get some killer drugs to go with it. That is why she has shit covering her cheeks cause she is all swollen up. This means she will test positive for drugs on her random drug testing but already got a pass from her probation officer for the meds she is going to have to take. I would have let the bitch suffer with widom tooth pain but apparently this judge/probation officer has "morals". Damn. They always get in the way.

It is being reported by RadarOnline that Mariah Carey is pregnant. This is the same website that reported that Lindsay Lohan FOR SURE didn't have a ticket to go oto Texas to work on a film when her attorney was arguing that she did and then printed a retraction a couple days after that. Since then, I have taken everything Radar says with a grain of salt. Besides, this story is all about ssome source and the fact that Mariah's rep didn't outright deny the pregnancy. The source is also saying that they are going to keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible cause if this chick goes out in public with a big belly, people will think she just stayed up all night stuffing her face with glazed doughnuts again.

It seems that Khloe Kardashian wants some much needed attention after living in her sister's shadow for so long. I am not talking about Kim, bitch has an ass shadow so big it needs it's own zip code. No I am talking about Kourtney and how she has a kid and people, mainly the paparazzi, and fighting tooth and nail to get some exclusive shots of her playing with her kid just like the paparazzi does with every celeb. Now Khloe can have her own little photo ops. I hope she is proud.

It is being reported today that Charlie Sheen is going to the clink for misdemeanor whateverthefuck. There was a domestic dispute on Christmas Day at his home with his wife and now he is going to plea out and go to the pokey. Not sure what that is going to do to the filming of Two And A Half Men but hopefully taping will resume right after the jail sentence is carried out. He could do 15 days with good behavior.