Celebrity News

Here is a quick menu TMZ posted regarding what Lindsay Lohan will be eating for dinner tonight. I don't know if you have ever had turkey tetrazzinni but I had it in an Army MRE a couple times and it is some good shit. Cocaine dulls the appetite and that is probably why LiLo is so skinny in the first place. I am not sure about the wheat bread though because it will more than likely soaked with tears. Hang in there LiLo. Only 90 more days to go!

Jennifer Aniston got a restraining order today after a man was found on her property with a knife, roll of duct tape and a bag of unknown materials (dildos). Anyway, I can not blame the dude for wanting to stalk one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood but rape is never the answer. You have to stalk them, tap their phone and find out shit they like and then approach them at the bar and charm them with your "wit" and convince them that you are in to the same shit they are in to. That is how it's done. Booyah!

Tomorrow Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. Let's say that again...Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. Finally we can have some peace and quiet in the tabloids and not have to hear that LiLo fell into a cactus and LiLo has a court date blah, blah, blah. I will probably do a story on her arrival to the clink tomorrow but I just wanted to relish of this moment of...happiness. It is an awesome day indeed.

The Cast of Jersey Shore is trying to bank on their popularity and make MTV pay more money for the show. They are claiming they can make more in two months of doing appearances than they would if they were to shoot scenes for the show. Of course they are only famous because of the show so I do not see how they can take this stance but celebrities are one of the many things in this world I do not understand so I guess I just need to grow up or some shit. Of course if MTV does pull the plug and essentially tells the cast to fuck off then they will not have any money and will be homeless on the streets. Snooki can stay at my place until she gets back on her feet. I am big hearted like that.

I am sick and tired of seeing post titles that say "So and so topless" and then click the link only to see that so and so is covering their tits. I mean does Jennifer Anistont think her nipples are the holy grail or something? Just show us what you got. That Marley And Me money will run out eventually so why not show off your slammin' bod while you still are wrinkle free?

Levi Johnston, if you recall, talked mad shit about the Palin family and Sarah Palin after he broke shit off with Bristol Palin but now they have mended fences and Levi and Bristol are engaged. I think I reported on this yesterday but that isn't todays news. No today is about how Sarah hates Levi and wants him to go away. I think having Levi in the family when Sarah runs for president in the futre, and I know she will, will cause a conflict showing that even her own family has bad shit to say about her. I am gonna go see if she had anything bad to say about him in her book Going Rouge which I am reading right now because I am fascinated by Sarah Palin but could generally care less about the tabloids today because it is smeared with shit about Mel Gibson which I can not discern, one way or the other, why anyone would care what this douche bag has to say. He will never work again. END!

Lindsay Lohan in a desperate attempt to avoid her jail sentence has checked herself into a rehab treatment facility which will only hurt her case because it will make her look like she can get clean by July 20th which is clearly impossible. Anyway, Robert Shapiro who helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder is representing Lindsay now and I doubt he will be able to get her jail sentence eliminated and if the stars are aligned with the Gods then it won't get her jail sentence reduced either. I am not sure how Lindsay plans on payiong for Shapiro but it may have to do with the post jail interview money. Not that there will be any money if he gets the jail sentence eliminated so if you think about it, Shapiro is at a crossroads here. Do a good job or get paid. Stupid fucking case to take when you think about it. I mean going from trial of the century to repping some crackhead who could give a fuck about anyone except herself? What a fucking moron!

Luke Worrall, Kelly Osbournes boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend now, cheated on Kelly and she is fed up with his shit so she called it off. Ever since Kelly lost all of her baby weight she has been pretty good looking so I wouldn't mind having a crack at that. That and having Ozzy Osbourne as my father-in-law seems like a really cool novelty. I am sure this little dude will find some other washed up piece of ass to date again but seeing as he wasn't all that famous when he was with Kelly, I doubt we will be hearing from him anytime soon.

Kate Gosselin who has been single for what seems like forever now is being reported to be flirting with all the male reporters that are talking to her about her two shows. I don't watch that TLC crap anymore so I am not sure what the two shows are called but I am sure they are doing great since Kate was on the cover of every single tabloid magazine for months. A source says she thinks of herself as a "great catch" besides all the bullying and bitching she does on a regular basis. I have seen her on The View a couple of times and you can tell she is using every fiber in her being to not go into a full on bitch rant on national television. Anyway, I would fuck her just to say I fucked her but I do not find her all that attractive and I probably have zero chance of ever hooking up with her because I am not already famous and I am not a millionaire.

I somehow felt like I was going to jinx it if I wrote about it but then I said fuck it and decided to report on what is probably the best news I have heard in years. Beavis and Butt-head are returning to MTV. MTV confirmed it today and now instead of watching SHITTY music vids from the early 90's, the will watch bands like Lady GaGa and what not and make fun of the videos in their own special way. This coming after Mike Judge wrapped up King Of The Hill which is one of the faggiest shows in television history. I am SO PROUD B&B are coming back to MTV. I can finally breathe a BIG sigh of relief.

Penelope Cruz decided to get hitched to that psycho lookin' dude from No Country For Old Men. They starred alongside each other in Vicky Christina Barcelona. Not sure if I spelled that right but I don't really give a shit. I say good for them. A sexy couple indeed.

Sarah Palin may or may not be planning to run for president in 2012 but if she does run, it will look a lot better on her resume that her daughter who got knocked up by Levi Johnston is going to settle down and marry him now. This is the type of story that is of zero interest to anyone except for Americans which is why I take such great pride on reporting on it.

It is being reported that John Stamos had sex with a 17-year-old girl in Florida of 2004 according to a girls testimony at some random trial that no one gives a shit about. Also, he was on coke. His career has improved since 2004 but that is probably because he is avoiding the drugs now. I just can not picture John Stamos under the influence of anything. I mean, he is Uncle Jesse!

OK I am a little sick of the constant news about LiLo going to jail but this shit isn't gonna let up until she is behind bars and even then you will get constant tips from "sources" and "guards" at the jail who will inform everyone that she is in the fetal position crying every minute of every day. Anyway, it is being reported now that Lindsay is going to fetch $500k for a pre jail interview and another $500k for a post jail interview. Television stations do not pay celebs for interviews but can pay for rights to pictures so that is how she will get around that. I still think she has a chance of getting a cool mil for a post jail interview from a tabloid magazine but we will see if she is smart enough to go that route.

Spencer Pratt took to his Twitter account the other day to tell the world that he is homeless and is going to move in to the Roosevelt Hotel. Now that he isn't with his fucked up wife Heidi Montag anymore it will be a little hard for him to seek out the attention he so desperately craves. Afterall, the paparazzi only took pics on those staged beach scenes to see Heidi ginormous rack.

Sometimes on this blog I wanna help my readers get some of the best celebrity smut on the net and this post is unapologetically that. Lucy Pinder topless. This photo is from Nuts magazine and I hope it brings as much joy to your day as it does mine. Enjoy!

Carrie Underwood got married over the weekend and it was about all you heard about in the tabloids. That and Mel Gibson being the same racist asshole he has always been. It is a shame that such a hot piece of ass went off the market but now they are going on their honeymoon which will result in Carrie getting pregnant and ruining that perfect body of hers so it isn't bad news for all that long. I just hope a tape is running.

Christina Milian, one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood, is back on the market today. She was married to some c-list rapper and apparently he couldn't give her the same sexual satisfaction that I give her on our late night rendevous on my yacht. Anyway, She should celebrate her new found availability with a trip to the Playboy mansion where she can negotiate her future photographic spread for the world to see. Wishful thinking I guess.

I do not watch Celebrity Rehab because I think Dr. Drew Pinsky is a douche bag and you can tell him that yourself on Twitter ( @drdrew ) but anyway this post isn't about him. It is about how Tila Tequila will not be on celebrity rehab probably because the bitch needs to be treated right away instead of waiting for the floundering show to get a cast together. There is some bullshit going around how this bitch used to cut herself blah, blah. I miss seeing this psychos Tweets on Twitter. Bitch is entertaining as shit. So let's hope she gets sober soon. Or takes her clothes off. Yea. The latter.

Since Friday Lindsay Lohan tried to get a new lawyer that looks like an oompa loompa with all the fake tan shit that he wears. Anyway, the judge said that Lindsay has to retain her original lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, and can not get a new one. As you know, Holley has no interest in working with Lindsay on an appeal so it looks like she is going to go to jail. Even if she wanted to hire the dude with the orange face, she couldn't because as we all know from following LiLo over the years, she is dead broke. Also she might be bumpin' cunts again with Samantha Ronson but since she is one of the ugliest chicks in the world, I will try to keep that visual from entering into my mind. Opps! Too Late! ::pukes::

I wasn't gonna post this pic because it is kind of gross but since we now know that DJ Stolen, some asshole Ke$ha knows, is the guy who leaked this pic of Ke$ha drenched in cum I guess it is newsworthy now. I think Ke$ha is about as ugly as they come or cum I should say. Get it? I can be funny sometimes. She is basically the U.S. equivalent of Amy Winehouse. Even if her hands were showing off her goodie bits, I still probably wouldn't get a hard on.

Lindsay Lohan was telling friends the other night that she has no plans for going to jail. She is going to appeal the ruling that she spend 90 days in jail and 90 days at an in treatment rehab facility. I think TMZ got it right when they said that her lawyer quit because LiLO wants to appeal. She has a new lawyer now and she will probably ruin her career by taking on the LiLo case. I doubt LiLo will avoid jail and if this little bitch was smart, she would turn herself in now instead of waiting until July 20. I just hope she falls off the wagon again so she will get more time in the clink but that may be wishful thinking. Then again, no. No it is not.

Look at this shit! Here is a close-up pic of Lindsay Lohan obstructing her SCRAM bracelet in a failed attempt to indulge in some alcohol without getting caught. I never saw this pic before but I am surprised the little slut is dumb enough to put a God damn napkin between her and the device and think that shit would actually work. Anyway, this will probably prolong her jail sentence which makes me happy but stupidity like this should prompt the judge to make her sit in the corner of the courtroom wearing a "dunce" hat while onlookers throw eggs at her.

Jessica Simpson, it seems, can not be alone for more than two seconds so she found a new guy who is a former NFL player as I reported the other day. Only one thing is coming out now, he is still married. Everyone says there is a shit load of shit that comes with getting divorced but if two people REALLY don't wanna be together anymore, the divorce can happen fairly quickly. So I think this guy is just using Jessica as a booty call and will dump her ass after a couple of weeks. Wouldn't that be cool? To see a guy one night stand a bitch as famous as Jessica? There would be a lot of LOLing going on here for sure.

No. Not from another AA class. Though that is probably true too. She was absent from her birthday bash at Las Palmas Hotel where a shit load of friends showed up to wish her happy birthday. I guess she didn't wanna be tempted to drink and get more time behind bars so instead she just had a small, private party with the Hotel's owners and popped her little heroin pills. Way to party Lohan. You know how to get down old school.

I apologize for the shitty pic. I am sure no one wants to see Michael Lohan's nipple right now, or ever. But I just wanted to point out exactly how happy he is that Lindsay is going to jail. He even went out and celebrated after the ruling. I would be celebrating too. He did this just after an interview on CNN about his daughter. With all this shit going down, Michael is sure to make some serious moolah off of paid television interviews so his little cash cow known as LiLo will continue to pump out the big bucks for him until she rehabs her image and becomes and innocent little flower again. Which will never happen.

Kate Moss, who makes a living at taking off her clothes and showing the entire world her goody parts is being accused of being shy from some photographer dude. I am sure this guy is just saying shit to drum up publicity for some shit he photographed but the claims are unbelievable. Who the fuck is going to believe that Kate Moss is shy? I mean I am pretty sure I have a topless pic of her on the beach getting felt up to the right hand corner of your screen. Am I right guys? Am I right?

This is the wedding photo of that lucky fucker Brian Austin Green marrying Megan Fox. I am not really all that happy for him because me and about 2 million other people wanna marry Megan but as long as he has the good sense and wits to record their honeymoon love making, then I truly have no problem with this situation. I give this marriage a year. And I am being generous.

OK I have not had the internet for the past week and just when the net goes down, Lindsay goes down too. I am back now and I am very pleased to report that Lindsay Lohan will finally be out of the tabloids, at least for a little while while she does time in the clink. She was sentenced to 90 days in jail but TMZ is reporting that she may only do 23 days. I hope she gets the full 90 day sentence. And check this shit out, she has until July 20th to turn herself in. That give her damn near two weeks to slip up and fall off the wagon and get more time behind bars. She is also going to be interviewed by a court appointed psychologist to see if she should do more or less time in the slammer. Also, she wrote "fuck you" on her fingernail apparently as a message to the judge. But who knows what the fuck she was thinking. This made me especially happy so I decided to celebrate with a pack of red bull. Without the Jager that is. Sorry Linds. Not everyone is as fucked up as you are. LOL!

Lindsay Lohan is probably still in deep shit with the judge that is ordering her to do all these AA classes but she thinks she will not go to jail. Her friends are telling TMZ that Lindsay thinks the lawyer in her case will make everything go away. I wanna see LiLo go to the clink more than anything else just to give us tabloid bloggers like me from the constant chaos that is her life. Anyway, she will be back on the sauce as soon as they get that little ankle bracelet off her so it isn't like she will be cured for life. Here is to hoping Lindsay get's two-six months.

Anna Faris is doing some nude scene in some movie I do not care about but the nude scene was leaked online today. I wish these pics weren't taken with some shitty camera phone so we could have some semblance of quality but I will take what I can get. Of course there is always a possibility of a body double but since Anna is so hot, I could care less if it is a body double because these pics are that hot. Words can not describe how much I would like to violate the chick in these pics. And if I'm lucky, they truly are of Anna Faris.

Jessica Simpson has some sort of weird fetish with men who playing in the NFL. I guess she likes to chug back protein shakes and lift weights with them cause the bitch has got some serious meat on her these days. She has her own show now and has zero chance of ever making it in the music world again because, let's face it, she was only famous on the stage because of her looks in the first place. What I wish I had more of is that fine little piece of ass that is related to her, Ashlee Simpson. I haven't seen her in the tabloids lately and I miss her. Anyway, Jessica's va jay jay found a new piece of meat. Good for her. I guess.

Heather Locklear was in rehab for the past few weeks because of a hit and run and because she was strung out on pills. I remember reading tabloids in the early 90's where Heather bitched about Tommy Lee's drug abuse and how she "put up with it" and now here she is off the wagon. I am glad she is sober now and maybe she will get desperate enough for attention ( cause her career sucks) to make a sex tape. I know it is wishful thinking but she better make one before the wrinkles set in because aging starts in 3...2...

There are a lot of smokin' hot hotties in Hollywood but Jenna Fischer has a special place in my heart because she is a smokin' hot hottie and because she can make me laugh. She isn't so hot that I am going to stalk her anytime soon but she is hot enough to make me depressed when she gets married to some douche bag writer named Lee Kirk. Does that means he writes for The Office ? Is this incest? Oh yea, and in about a month the bitch will be knocked up and then the show will have to make up some story on how JIm and Pam decided to get preggers AGAIN. Bad timing Mrs. Fischer.

Hello everyone! It is another year and yet another Fourth of July is upon us. Usually it is all about BBQs and what not but that shit happened on memorial day so I am not sure what motherfuckers are going to be doing today. I will be sitting on a deck in St.Louis watching fireworks explode in the distance but others have "special" plans. I hope everyone is having a killer day and enjoying the weather. Let's hope there won't be any rain! See ya tomorrow!

I will be back to writing as usual sometime tonight as I will be back in St.Louis and on my sister's comp. I will also send out a 4th of July blog post for those patriots out there. Stay tuned and follow me everywhere...